Meridian..

Everything in the past few days feels like in suspended animation, I won't say that I'm in love with Omar (yet), but there's something growing for sure… we've been spending a lot of time together (as if we didn't in the first place), I already know that we share a lot of things in common and we're merely interested in the same stuff, and its kind of ironic, the guy that I share the same lifestyle of misery with is the one that is making me feel happy at least for the moment… I didn't think about my messed up self a lot lately nor about Zaid or anyone else, I just "lived the moment"… when I look at it, it never had to change, it just stayed the same thing, we're still doing the same things we used to do in the past together, talk about a book that either of us have recently read, make fun of inferior people that have a "different" way of thinking, or me simply being sarcastic about everything and he telling me afterwards that I'm the only one that can make him really laugh… I feel extremely stupid for saying something like this, but I have to, maybe I shouldn't have looked so far for my someone, he was right there the whole time… I didn't want to make it sound so happy and pinkish like I used to feel about Zaid, but Omar gives me a good feeling and that is it.

Speaking about Zaid, the other day, I went to Virgin megastore in Citymall a couple of days ago with Omar to buy some books, I've got a friend that works there and she informs me if any books of my "type" arrive over there, and since my type of stuff is also Omar's type of stuff, we went together, got the books and on our way out of Virgin I saw Zaid, Omar did too, I said: just ignore, Zaid came over as I expected he would and he said: hey, what are you doing here? I was about to say "none of your business" but Omar said: he came with me to get some stuff, why don't you go find a new place to spend your time at? Zaid said: if you think I was talking to you, I'm not. I said: don't talk to him like that… Zaid said with a sarcastic laugh: and why is that? He's not your boyfriend or anything, is he? Omar looked at me as if he's expecting to hear something certain. I said: as a matter of fact, he is. Zaid was kind of stoned and Omar said right away: you heard him, now beat it. That’s when my friend Lana (the one that works in Virgin mega store) came out and said: guys take this outside please. Zaid said: don't worry, we're already done here. Omar said: great, hope to see you after 7 or 8 lifetimes, Zaid said: I don't know you enough, but I can already say that you're not gonna last, I'm gonna get MJ back eventually and you know it deep down in yourself, just remember what he used to tell you about me and how he felt about me. That’s when I said: exactly, felt, past tense, history, dusty shameful disgusting history that I neither want to even remember nor repeat, now go before archeologists come over to dig you up from the past era you're living in… we walked away, and he was still standing there, and Omar said to me: I just love the way you humiliate people, you're so good at it… I said: it’s a natural gift. We went back to Omar's place, to browse through the book and the music CDs we got from Virgin, the moment we got to the building where Omar lives, my phone rang, it was a message from my newest and probably closest friend of all(now that Omar doesn't count as a friend anymore). I never thought this could happen, but there's actually another MJ out there, he's gay also, he's older than me by only 12 hours and we both have the same fucked up twisted way of thinking… I told him that I'm with Omar now and I can't go out now… we got in, and I didn't spare a second and kissed Omar right away, he pushed me a bit away and said: what you said to Zaid a bit earlier, was it real or you were just trying to hurt him? I said: sure its real, you were the first to know that I'm way over him, he said: not that, the part where you said that I'm your boyfriend, I said: I know this is kind of breaking our asexuality oath, but yes, I really meant it. As soon as I said that, I felt like I'm again in the land of pink puppies, where everything sounds good and right and I don't have to wake up to an empty bed… he said: I can't hide that I fear what he said in the end, that you're gonna go back to him, you guys had such a history… I said: again, exactly, history… would you just let it go? If you don't, I'm gonna go, I have to go anyway, its getting kind of late… he said: fine, go, and take your stuff with you. I wasn't pissed off yet but that pissed me off for sure, I didn't say anything, I just picked up the book and the 2 CDs and got out, Omar said: don't let the door hit you on your way out. I was on my out of the building when I had to come back and say one sentence; I got inside the apartment, and said: maybe I know that I do hell of a job in hurting anyone, but you do an extra fine job at hurting the one person that loves you. He said: you love me? I said: I'm not sure about that now... I was on my way out again, when he said: hold on, I said: save it, I gotta go. And yet again, I walked home accompanied with my demons of hate, constantly telling me that I'm for me, and for no one else, and that’s how it's supposed to be. And to be honest, at that moment, their words made sense like never.

The Other Side

Creating an illusion and living in it is the easiest way to forget whatever problems a person has in his ordinary life, some people use that new online game called "Second Life", well; I don't need that game, because I luckily have my own head… I didn't think about my self solo this time, I shoved Omar right into my thoughts, I mean what the heck did I do over there? He sure doesn't deserve this. He's been the best person I've ever known (relatively)… after whatever happened with him, I tried to talk to him, I once saw him with his sister in the mall and I tried to talk to him, but he said to his sister "tell him that I wish not to speak to him" so I just backed off… I don't know how to deal with this anymore, I felt as if he's me, when I was same in his age, and in the exact same way Ryan crushed me, I just crushed him… and that gave me even another addition to hate my self. Probably this sounds a bit repeated, but again, a song draws the shape of my life in a certain period, this time it’s a combination of songs, first is "Glades of Summer" and "In Sumerian Haze", both by Sirenia. I couldn't help it but think about him every time I listened to those songs since he told whatever has been building up inside of him for God knows how long… I never thought of him that way, I just took him for granted a friend forever and ever, I just didn't bare in mind that the thing that messed up everything in my life could mess up this particular thing, the last sanctuary I thought I had, I used to tell him whatever comes up on my mind and never ever thought about him in a way as he'd be a target for one of my "boyfriend operations"… In Sirenia's "In Sumerian Haze", there a sentence, "I guess it was just meant to be this way…" I refused to let nature prevail again and leave me yet once again to talk to my shadows of loneliness… I went to his place, and I knew that he'd be alone at that time. I rang the bell once and twice, and no one answered, I was about to leave when his voice came in from inside saying "hold on, I'll be right there", he opened the door and said: it's just you… I said: you talked, finally. He said: don't count on that, bye… I said: wait, why do you have to make everything harder like this? We'll talk this out, and if we don't come up with a solution for this mess we'll just figure out something. He said: I know I'll regret this eventually but fine, wanna come in? I stepped in, and he walked in front of me into his room… I said: first time I feel weird in your room. He said: it's still the same room you know… I said: I know, but I just feel like everything changed… he said: I'll try to eliminate this feeling of awkwardness, let's go out for a walk, deal? I said: sure. He picked up a book about alchemy. It was almost dusk and I had no idea what to say, he said: so how's everything? Anything new happened with you? I said: nope, same old, nothing new… then there was this weird time of silence; we just kept walking on and on till he said: can I be honest? I said: sure… he said: this feels even weirder for me, I know I said something rather shocking the other day, but... I said: we don't have to talk about this now… what's that book you got over there? He said: it’s a really cool book I bought a couple of days ago, called "Alchemy and Mysticism". One thing didn't change, we still had the same things in common… the demonic paintings, the wicked creatures and the images of death slaying people… and because he read some of the book, he was able to explain the stuff I couldn't understand… at some point, he was talking about Hermes' Caduceus, and I just looked at him, the way he gets excited whenever we talk about something that we're both interested in, as if he wants to share it with me, the way he doesn't care about his looks, his messed up long hair, his black t shirt, the way he touches the cuts on his wrist just like I do, the way we both look at something else at the moment our eyes cross just because we hate eye contact, the way he says that I'm the only that makes him really laugh, I never thought about him in this way, but now that I do, it doesn't seem that wrong after all… we spent almost 5 hours talking about that book, it was almost 3 am when he said: I should probably head back home now… and I don't think I'll find a taxi anytime soon this late, and my dad's driver is probably asleep now, so I think I'm gonna walk home. I said: I'll walk with you; it's not that far from my place. This time, we had something to talk about, the book we've been talking about for the past 5 hours… when we finally got to the entrance of his place, he said: I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually glad that we talked… I said: so we're good? He didn't answer, he just looked me in the eye for the first time in ages, and kissed me… suddenly he said: sorry, I shouldn't have done that, I said: kidding? That was awesome; I didn't know you're such a good kisser. He said: I have to go now, good night and I'll probably see you soon… I said: sure, good night. He got up half the way on the house's stairs and then came back down, and he put his arms on face, and kissed me again, and this time, more tongue. He said afterwards: its just something I had to do, it felt like it, now I'm really gonna go to sleep cause I barely can keep my eyes open.. he got inside and I walked back home, it felt as if the door of my heart, the one that I closed and threw away the key, just has been bombed and opened by force… I felt hasty and confused; I just didn't want to believe that once again, I am actually feeling something…

Reality Is Sometimes Stranger Than Fiction...

Starting off another day alone is something that I got used to now, I don't have anything better to do than doing my favorite thing ever, reading… now that I'm totally friendless and as I said before, and the guy I thought I love acted a bit different than what I expected he would… having this kind of life now is actually the best thing that has ever happened to me, I'm completely fine with being alone like this, how is it going to affect me? I'm gonna go crazy? Hello… I’m already crazy, so there's no point of chasing this obsolete meridian… it is true that I go out a lot more now, on weekdays, to a park near my house, like a 15 minutes walk, so I go from the morning till sunset and don't do anything except to write whatever I have on my mind, and the best part is that there is no one over there at that time except for a little number of people, and I used to do that when I was 17 and still in school, I used to go to that place just for the sake of not going back to the hell hole I call my home, or to get away from whatever problems I caused in school… and being the stupidest person on the face of earth ever, I decided to go to the Starbucks near the park where I always hang out, now going to Starbucks on a weekend day is the worse thing I've ever done, its crowded as hell and I can't stand it… yet, being the dumbass I am, I went over there to get something to go and just leave… I walked in, and it was full of people as expected, I did the thing I always do, I just looked on the floor and kept walking, in order to avoid eye contact with anyone… I bumped into this guy at the door, I said "sorry" and kept walking… that’s when I heard a voice I recognize very well saying: M.J.? Is that you? And in one moment, I smiled in irony and said: well if it isn't you, when did you get here from Brussels? It was Ryan; he came as he said he would 2 months… he said: I arrived only a couple of days ago, and you know I own an apartment near here, and you also know I'm obsessed with Starbucks… I said: awesome, choke on it, I'm going… he said: wanna sit down and talk this whole thing out? You know final closure? And finally be friends? I said: and when did you suddenly turn into Miss Congeniality? Last time we tried to talk this out I did something I was wishing it would've kept you away for at least a century until you're a rotten corpse… you sure look like one. He said: you didn't grow up a bit, maybe by height; you're taller than me now. I said: woo hoo… lucky me, I knew this conversation was going no where so I chose to end it by my self, I walked away to the cash register to order something and just go, Ryan said: I'll be waiting for you outside in my car, same car as always… I got my stuff and I walked outside, it was almost dusk time and I was planning to take what I have just ordered to my room and continue reading over there, that’s where Ryan started talking to me again… I got kind of fed up with it, I said: fine, you want to talk, lets talk, about the way you abandoned me because I was only an insecure teenager with mixed feelings 3 years ago, lets talk about the way you slept with my best friend just because you thought I have feelings for him, lets talk about the way you always wreck my world by coming up with a different disaster to plague whatever I have just built, I advice you to go find some other bimbo to show off like you did with Tim last year, and I guess we're more than done over here… at that moment, luckily, my phone rang, it was my Goth friend from Syria, Omar… He arrived in Amman, and I was really eager to see him, its been a while since we last talked, I told him that we'll meet up at City Mall and then figure out something to do, soon I was at City Mall, and I got a message from Omar saying that he'll be 30 minutes late because he got stuck at his grandparents' place, I couldn't complain so I sent back "sure, no problem.." while I was trying to kill time by looking around me, my phone rang again, and Zaid's name was on the screen, I didn't want to answer, but I thought "what the heck, I'll spit a couple of words in his face and hang up, will be fun and will waste sometime", I answered, and he said: where are you? I said: out… he said: I can't hear you well… can you move outside or near a window or something? Since I was already in the ground floor, I went out of the main entrance, I said: what about now? He said: yeah that’s better, now hang up. I found him standing right next to me, I said: I have absolutely nothing to say to you, I may have over reacted but this was your way of saying goodbye, and it was one hell of a way… he said: can't you just hear me, I can't even say anything in my defense? I said: nope, now beat it… that’s when another guy was walking into the mall with a girl, it was A.J., he said: hey you, haven't seen you for a while. Zaid said: who's this? A.J. said: I'm A.J.; I'm with M.J. at his university… I said: great, you two talk to each other while I find a place where I can shoot my self, bye. While I was walking away, and trying to call Omar to meet me up in another place, that’s when Ryan was just parking his car outside, I said: great, it just couldn't go worse. Ryan said: hey… I said: how did you get here? He said: I heard you on the phone saying that you're gonna be here, and since I wasn't able to talk to you before I thought I'd show up and see you now… that’s when Zaid and A.J. came and Ryan said: aren't you gonna introduce us? I said: Ryan, this is Zaid and A.J., and I'm out of here… A.J. said: Ryan as in your ex-Ryan? Ryan said: that’s me. Zaid said to A.J.: how do you know about that? A.J. said: me and M.J. got pretty much close last year, we even kissed last December… Zaid said to me: we were still dating at that time… Ryan said: you're dating someone? I said: and that’s my sign out, you three enjoy eating each other up… Zaid said: don't go yet, we have to talk, A.J. and Ryan said: same goes for us, we have to talk to you also… I said: you, first of all, I have nothing to say to you, since you chose your ex boyfriend over me and you didn't even care for me at all since we met last September… I turned to A.J. and said: and you, it was only a kiss, no need to blow it out of proportion, grow up and choose either a guy or a girl to date since you're bisexual, your odds are doubled right there. And I said to Ryan afterwards: and you, out of everyone, you don't have the right to show up like this and assume that I'm gonna talk to you again, you left 3 years ago, that was partially my fault, but screw me if I'm not living in the shadow of you coming back one day, because I'm not gonna do that, get over it. I stormed out of there not sure about the way I'm feeling, and I saw Omar right in front of me, I said: good you're finally here, I'm kind of in a screwed up mood and I could use a friend right now… he said: I have to tell you something… I said: can't it wait till we get somewhere and at least order coffee? He said: I have feelings for you… I didn't say anything for almost 5 minutes, then he said: well… now I have to go, I said: wait, can't we even talk about this? Its not gonna be awkward to talk to you anymore, is it? He said: I guess its gonna be like this from now on, don't try to talk to me, good bye… and he walked away, I went home and kept on thinking why is God getting such a thrill from screwing up my life, and it definitely just went from bad to worse…

Living A Lie...

A voice of reason exists in everyone's head, including me, the only extra addition that I have is that I have a counter voice to that, voices of hatred and agony… now that Zaid is long past gone, they are the only thing left for me, those voices in my head, that always kill my loneliness, whether I'm all alone in my room or if I'm in the middle of a crowd… and among whatever wrongful characteristics I have in me, not having the ability to socialize in a normal way is the best… I always felt different, I always felt like I can't simply fit, when I tried to deny that fact, I started to get to know people (and that turned out to have its own consequences)… and now I'm imprisoned in this legacy of social relationships that I created when I was considered partially "sane"… and with more time passing by, the more I hate this spider web of lies, pretending to be someone else as soon as I see a face I recognize, being happy and living a lie and just throw whatever I feel in my heart and paint whatever mask fits for the occasion and get on with it… now this became more than a habit for me, it became a part of my nature, I can't show my true feelings anymore even if I want to, whenever I see someone I know, the acting begins, smiling, pretending that everything is ok, and when someone asks me how I'm doing I answer with confidence "I'm doing pretty much great thanks"… I have nothing to be thankful for except the hope in the far away horizon of dying some day, the sooner the better… everyday, I wake up for absolutely nothing, I have no reason to live for, my family can't stand me, my friends are drifting away from me because I became a different person lately, and the person I thought I'm in love with turned out to be a big fat lie… and everyday, life becomes simply harder, as if I'm not meant to be on this earth, like I'm a waste of time and space, a heart that can't handle the aches of this world shouldn't exist in the first place… but I don't think its far from over yet, something keeps on telling me that there are darkened days to come, I can't either kill my self or live because on both sides I'm a coward… in the past times I've attempted suicide, I always flunk, another failure… either I chicken out so the cut is not precisely on my wrist or it just misses and goes down a bit, or its me becoming used to having more than 10 pills of Prozac per day, or the fact that Diazepam doesn't get to me anymore… completely numb, completely dead… in the past few days, I felt like I'm a shadow of my own self, like I'm wandering off without a reason or a purpose in life… I felt like my whole existence is a mistake, someone's mistake… like I can't do any of this anymore… unfortunately, the spider web showed how much of a damage it is again… my friend Yara started asking me what's wrong, why am I folding over my self and not talking to anyone anymore… I didn't answer; I didn't even have the strength to look her in the eye, because I felt like I failed her, I failed everyone that ever expected anything from me… I just walked away and she said: call me… when I got back home after my lectures, my mom said to me: anything you feel like telling me? Your friend Yara passed by an hour ago and told me that you're not talking to anyone anymore at university… you can tell me anything, I'm your mother… I didn't say anything, I only had one thought in my head, how could she? That little bitch, she had no right whatsoever to do anything like that, so I just went out of my house and went to hers… I said: how on earth do you go off telling people about me? Am I a celebrity all out of the sudden? She said: you can at least say "thanks for being worried about me, you're a true friend"… I said: you're unbelievable; you call your self my friend at the same time where you go off spreading my news around to the people that couldn't care less about me feeling OK or not. Next time, be sure that you won't even live to tell anyone and you know I mean what I say… she said: awesome, now go… I was going down the stairs of the building and I wasn't in my best times ever, I didn't want to go back home because I felt like there might be a bit more questioning yet to be done by my parents… and the friend I had to talk to whenever I felt like I can't to talk to anyone else just proofed me wrong… I went a bit down from the building where Yara lives, which is not that far from where I live… I didn't feel like walking that much and the first thing I found in front of me was my old school again, and I thought to my self "what the heck"… I didn't go further inside, I almost stood on the door and I didn't want to go more inside because then I'll remember more things about the 8 years of my life I spend in this place… then I thought its not much of a good idea to hang out there, it will only remind me of all the bad things I did when I was in school and my policy of "I want it, I will take it" that I almost applied to everything, and then I remembered Ryan, yes, again… I didn't even know why I would think about him in such a time, it was the place… right outside the school's main gate, where he used to park his BMW and I jump in it after my classes are over… and I felt extremely stupid… for one simple reason, whatever I felt for Ryan in the past, and how I felt almost devastated if he even looked at someone else or didn't talk to me on one day, I felt almost a couple of days ago for Zaid… I felt like I'm 16 again, stuck in the day I knew that I am me, and not meant to be with someone… to be honest, I've never lived out of the shadow of that day, the day I knew I can't go on without the notion of either dying or destruction, and that’s where the war started, my war against everyone, a destruction spree, those were good time and I had fun… I can't say the same about the people that were sucked into the vortex of my thoughts, who became merely puppets in the game, my game… I didn't have anything to do except to sorrow my existence, so I just walked home, when I got in, I walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water, my dad said to me: feel like talking, son? I said: just stop it ok? Everything is not ok, and don't act as it is ok, just leave me alone and I'll manage by my self, I don't need anyone of you, I don't need this, I just can't do this whole happy family play anymore, you and your happy family image can bite me, and if I don't fit in, then too bad, and if you just let me, I'll be gone faster than you can think of one of your mind blowing brilliant ideas… and now, you've got anything left to say? I didn't think so. And I went to my room and turned on music, I looked at the huge pentagram that is drawn on wall… and I looked at my blood on the wall, the blood that I write things that no one can understand on my wall when I cut my self… I closed my eyes with the desire to never wake up to spend another minute on this planet, in the morning, I woke up facing the same wall, and I saw the same blooded sentences, and I thought to my self: at least something decided to stay with me through the night after all…

Dead To The World..

Happiness and Me... Me and happiness… we just can't get along together like other people… I've been doing a lot of thinking in the past few days, about me, yes, again, I feel like I screwed up, I was talking to a friend from Syria, he is Goth like myself… and I didn't talk to him for almost a year and a half… so he was asking me what's new... I told him the whole thing that is going on with Zaid, he said: and how exactly did you land such ransack? I said: I kind of stole him from someone… he said: remember, Triquetra… it will come and bite you back, you know better, I thought you read about such stuff? I said: well, what can I say, I'm simply out of fears, and I don't have anything to lose. He said: it's not about losing something… you'll get your "punishment" in other ways… and that’s what I've been thinking about, I didn't really believe that I can simply get away with everything that I've done before, when it comes to Zaid and even in previous times… well, I never ever regretted anything that I've ever did in order to satisfy my own sick ego, I didn't defy destiny this time and I decided to finally give in, just live with it, whatever I have in my hands, and as soon as I lose it, I will start bitching, but mean while I'll just enjoy whatever is going on for the time being…

So, there was this multi-cultural exhibition thing at Jordan University, now I wouldn't care less about that crap, but Zaid had some work to do over there, so I told him that I will drop by after I finish my lectures so we can figure out if we'll do something at that evening… I called him and he was a bit busy with everything going on around him, so I told him that I'll be near the Faculty of Law (which is considerably an isolated place), I had my mp3 player with me as usual, so I just started writing whatever thoughts I have in my head on my notebook like I always do while listening to music… I was (as usual) having the best time of my life when something blocked the sun off me, I thought it was a cloud so I looked up, and I found this guy that looks familiar standing in front of me… I said: do you mind? He said: obviously, your majesty can't remember me… I said: and am I supposed to? I sure hope not… he said: you didn’t even change a bit… since the moment you stole my boyfriend… that’s when I remembered him, its Nedal, there was a guy that Zaid was still dating when him and I met last September… but things weren't going that well between them two, that’s when I jumped in and "ransacked" Zaid… and as I was still remembering those times, Nedal said: so, how is it going? Enjoying what you stole from me? I said: I don't have time for such nonsense, if I wanted to talk to someone that is less important than a wall to me I'd go pick one of my ex-boyfriends, and you go stomach the idea that I won and you simply lost, its not that hard, just give it a try or just get used to it… he said: no, hell no, that’s not the way its supposed to happen, evil is not supposed to triumph over goodness, you shouldn't be happy, everything should fall apart over you because like you wreck people's relationships you deserve yours to be wrecked, and everything will fall into its right place and I will have Zaid again… I said: how did you even get into university with this teenage Britney Spears way of thinking? Get over your self; is this what I'm to you, Evil? And what makes you the good side in this whole thing? Your time is gone, and everything did fall into right place, he is with me now. He said: look at your self, there's no reason for him to even think about you, he must've lost his senses to even touch you, you can't keep him with you forever, he will get bored of you eventually because you don't even have anything to offer him in the first place… as much as I wanted to group my strength together and just answer to that I couldn't… because I knew much of what Nedal was saying is true… why would someone merely perfect like Zaid would even look at me, the social reject? That’s when one of the voices in my head said: don't take this as a matter of love, it doesn't matter if you love Zaid or not, its just a matter for victory, you have to win, so get a grip and just respond to this mass of slime already… I said to Nedal: and what do you know, you're just a male virago, you can't even hold on to a guy, and trust me, if there was a reason other than the feelings I have for Zaid for me to save him from your claws, it would be just for the pleasure of seeing you suffer, because people like you are made to be stepped on, now I have to go and be with my boyfriend, enjoy the moments of your loneliness… he said: and you still ask why you're considered as the evil part in this? How can you even sleep at night? I said: with Zaid on top of me, if you can get it. Now just for my own entertainment, I will bring Zaid over here just to rub my victory in your face, inferior. I turned around and Zaid was coming, he said: what's going on over here? I said: this piece of Rap-music style trash claims that I stole you from him… so, now explain to him that you simply chose me… he said: well… I don't know what to say, actually I never told Nedal that I chose you, I just left and never talked to him again… Nedal said: that’s right, and that’s what made me hate your guts even more, you manipulative boyfriend stealing bitch. I said: what? It doesn't mean anything now, because I already have you and it has been more than 10 months… Nedal said: the final word is for Zaid to chose, and as I can remember, there was a reason why Zaid got close to me, the job I can secure him in my father's company after he graduates… I said: nonsense, I already held him back from traveling to Germany to get his Master's Degree… Nedal said: and you say that as it’s a good thing… I said: you just shut your mouth, its Zaid's call to make, and I guess I already know the answer. Nedal said: yes, you have to choose right now, either the tall mentally-ill obsessive guy or me. Zaid said: you two are unbelievable, this is beyond ridiculous… I said: doesn't matter, just chose already, you will either have emotions or material, what do you choose? He didn't answer for a while… I said: I thought you will answer in a heartbeat… yet he didn't talk. I said: well, how pleasant, but I guess I'll go now… as I started walking away, Zaid said: no, don't go, I didn't say anything yet. I said: you don't need to, if you were sure about the way you feel about me you would've said "I choose you" in a heartbeat… but you didn't, and that’s more than a clear answer for you, and that exact moment, I tried to go away as fast as I could, this was a victory, to the rebel voices in my head, it finally happened, its is the end of end, and although I may've over reacted about it a bit, but I just wanted an excuse, I just felt like I have to do this in this way, because what Nedal said was true again, I don't have anything to offer to Zaid, while if he stays with Nedal he'll get his job secured and I'm sure that he won't do something like cancelling his Master's Degree program for Nedal… so, all turned out to the best and everything is in its rightful place again, and laws of nature prevailed again… as I was on my way back home, I heard cheers of victory echo in my head over and over again, the sounds of the shadows of my loneliness, my demons and my fears talking in my head again, I felt like my whole existence is just… a waste… but also, I felt like I'm finally fulfilling the destiny I'm supposed to have, a destiny of loneliness, a lifetime of solitude, and of course, an impossible encounter with happiness…

Dark Chest Of Wonders..

I know this might sound a bit repeated, but I just despise this world… I can't find one simple reason to live, that’s why I usually think that I should die as soon as possible, but there's the lame excuse that people care about me… sure some people do care about me, but it's just a momentary thing that will fade away as time passes on… all of my life feels like a déjà vu all the time… everything feels the same now like it did when I was almost 16, I feel like the same insecure teenager that didn't even have the ability to differentiate between the feelings that are called love and those which are considered "sick temporary states".. Just like Ryan… I don't know how to act anymore… I wish I have never answered that call, at least I'd still be somehow managing to live now, but now I'm considering suicide again, it feels pointless, my whole existence sounds pointless, I can't find anyone who would even care less if I didn't exist, starting from my own family that I'm always considered the "bad seed" among them, to the people that I call my "friends" that have already nicknamed me "the sinister one", and to the people I just have pointless talks with and when they see how I act about everything, how I'm all "death" oriented and everything they just go… I don't think that I should change my own way of thinking in order to please or get into someone… some people don't get Gothicism and somehow confuse it with Satanism, but that’s completely wrong… My only straight "friend", Iyas, saw me in City Mall a couple of weeks ago in a Gothic music fans gathering, of course I had the whole package of Gothicism, I was showing the cuts on my wrist and I was wearing a black t-shirt with a vampire drawing on it, and I put eyeliner… and he was like: now you turned to Satanism after homosexuality? He's just another person that doesn't get me so I told him to leave me alone... he said: I'm your friend and I'm concerned about you… I told him: if you're really my friend you won't get all judgmental like this on me without even trying to understand how I think or feel, so just back off… he walked away and I got back to touching the cuts I have on my wrist, many people ask me why do I cut my self… its because of the hatred… because of all the pain within… sometimes I can't take it, I take a couple of Prozac pills and get on with it, but when I stopped cutting my self when I was 16, I was already used to that habit… but I stopped when I became 17 for a reason that I can't even remember… till last autumn… when everything started falling again… I was actually stupid enough to think that there's the slightest chance of hope of my finally fitting into this world… it was the last thing I ever thought I'd ever do, to try the "Self Deception" technique in order to fit in… to lie and pretend to be someone else in order to fit in with the surrounding atmosphere… and more over, I thought since I'm still 16 and in school that I do actually stand a chance, but I didn't… in school, I did have a couple of friends, but I was only obliged to talk to them because I knew them for a long time, almost 8 years, but when I was 15, I started pulling away from them, because I found my real self, and I figured out that I'm gay, and that was after a lot of hesitation mixed with anger and hatred, it was almost like a civil war inside of me… I had mixed emotions about everyone, and I didn't even dare to think about me being gay, and being with a guy for one simple reason, because I knew that anyone will ever understand me… and that’s pretty much what I feel now again, the difference back then is that I didn't know anyone so I can justify whatever measures I take now to drive people away… most of those feelings and thoughts made me mentally unstable, I do admit it, and I know I am, but the thing is, its actually good, it gives me my ultimate pleasure, talking to my self… I always have more than a million voices in my head, I used to disagree with them before but when I found out (on more than one incident) that they can completely destroy me, but I started listening to them, which narrowed down the possibilities of me becoming more unstable… but that also made me unpredictable, because every time something happens to me, I listen to a different voice… It sometimes feels sweet to go back to that time, when everything was done with Ryan and I was still feeling my way out of everything, and trying to build a person that won't ever fall or feel again… I was still trying to come over the fact that I actually stepped down to the grade of being a human… I always considered my self superior and having "emotions" in general was somehow degrading… and also because I didn't want to feel, because the pain from those emotions is simply unbearable, it somehow feels like every single mistake that I ever do is just my emotions taking control of me… That’s why I don't talk a lot anymore, because I feel like I just have to let those emotions out if I talk to someone, and if those emotions are out then it's practically similar to opening the 9 doors of Hell all loose… that’s why I had to tell Zaid that its over, I won't deny that I still do have feelings for him, but it doesn't matter anymore since he deserves someone more stable… I know that sounds a bit stupid, and its not a real excuse to tear down a relationship, but I have to do it sooner or later, so I called him, and that was almost a week ago, and I told him that we have to talk… he said: sure, just let me finish my lectures and I'll be with you right away… it was almost 7 pm when we met, close to sunset time, when the darkness starts… I didn't really know what to say since I didn't have something specific in my mind to say in the first place… I couldn't simply say "I'm out of here, live with it"… because I simply didn't want to hurt him, I don't want him to hate me although I know that eventually he will… he stopped his car at some point and said: so, you're supposed to talk, that’s why you brought me here in the first place, right? I said: yeah well… I just don't know how to start… he said: I'll do that. And he kissed me… I said: that was helping, I forgot what I wanted to say… and I actually did forget, because it sounded like worthless nonsense to throw all of what I have just because I have a couple of insecurities… but when he laid his head on my shoulder and smelled my neck like he always used to do, and said: you know, I always had a pre-image in my head, of this person that I want, I didn't really think about how he's gonna look like, I just had in my imagination an already made up person, that smells a certain smell, he smells so sweet, and he's the best person ever because when he gets mad at me, he doesn't hide, and that makes us stronger, and because whenever I feel like I have to talk about anything he's there, he talks to me about anything, he's just exactly what I need right now… I had to shut him up because his words were reviving hope, a hope that shouldn't exist in the first place… I had a million things going in my mind and I think he noticed, he said: anything wrong? I wanted to swallow all of what I thought about earlier and just get on with it, just leave everything as it is, but the consequences were merely unbearable… so I said: there is actually… his face completely changed and said: and what would that be? You're not planning on having of one of your mood swings again and leave me, right? I didn't know what to say because that might have been the truth, that I'm just feeling the same exact feeling before when I walked over my feelings and just tried to forget about him… I had to know that for sure, but yet, I felt like I have to do this, to leave him… he was holding my hand between his hands and he suddenly let go of it, and there was a long period of silence… I said eventually: look, I can't do this, I can't be with you, I know I will eventually hurt you so I'll just spare you the pain, I just don't think I'm good for this, for being with someone, since I somehow admit the face that I'm mentally unstable… he said: you know, I thought you're supposed to be smart but you're not.. I know that all of this will end at some point, but I was just hoping that it will last for a while, for a long while actually… I said: and whenever it ends, we will both feel bad about it, so why to practically live a lie when it's impossible for it to ever become real? He said: and there comes your own problem, you just have to gain control over everything, you have to put the future under your control, and you just can't live with you have, don't you? I said: its not that I try to control anything, its just the fact that I know that everything will fall apart sooner or later, so I'd rather spare my self the whole drama… he said: you sure saved your self a lot , should I drive you home now or you want to go away as fast as you can? I personally recommend option number 2… I said: I don't have to put up with this so I'll just go, I got off his car and was still processing whatever that has just happened… I closed my eyes because I didn't want to see this world ever again… that’s when I heard his voice next to me, saying: no… don't… just don't go, ok? I can't stop thinking about you like that; it's not a switch that you just can turn off suddenly… I said: you're just making it harder, and your just postponing the inevitable… he said: just come with me… I have something to show you… I knew that I shouldn't have went with him, but I did… we stopped at his place, got into his room… he got out this plane ticket, and gave it to me… it said "Amman – Hamburg", with a flight timing after 5 months from now, and it didn't have a specific date about the day of coming back to Amman… I said: good for you, you're going to Germany… and not coming back obviously… he said: you know I'm graduating this year, and I'm supposed to go complete my studies in Germany, I was supposed to, I mean… I said: was? He said: yeah, was… I was holding the ticket with my both hands, he took one hand and put it in his hand, and with his other hand combined with my hand that was holding the ticket in the first place, he tore apart the ticket… he said: I didn't know how to tell you about it, I just couldn't because I thought that it is the end that you're thinking that it will come eventually… I said: you're crazy, you know that? It's your future, your whole life is at stake here… he said: did it even occur for you to think who am I wasting this for? It's for you, stupid… it doesn't matter, I still can get a job with my current degree and at least I won't feel winterhearted, I'll have someone to smooch with… I wanted to cry for a reason I didn't know at that point, but I smiled, because a couple of days ago, I was listening to a song called "Winterhearted" by Xandria, when he called me, and he asked me what song I am listening to… and I told him that it’s a song that makes me feel somehow smoochy… then he said: I know you like Goth music with all the screams and the grunts and the dark ideas, but I found the perfect song, and its by a Goth band also… he got out his phone and he said: now I know this sounds a bit cheesy, but I don't want to ruin the moment by making you wait… and he started playing "I'll Keep On Dreaming" by Stream of Passion… and with my hand still holding his hand, he came and sat next to me… he said: just because you have those freakishly annoying ideas about everything, that doesn't mean I can't have you… I wanted to say something at that point but I didn’t… I just lived with whatever was happening, and somehow envied my self for having a guy like Zaid… but I felt like I'm opening Pandora's Box, the Dark Chest of Wonders where all evil and darkness lies, and whatever I just did will drive more curses upon my already miserable existence…

The Triumph of Defeat

There are a million reasons for me to hate this world. Starting off with my own self and ending with what ever I've been through in this miserable time of being on this earth… I know the last post sounded a bit pinkish and happy, but its been always like that, as soon as I start feeling actually happy, everything just comes down in a second, the day after I had that time of my life along with Zaid, Ryan called, yeah yeah yeah… same old dull Ryan, the one that crashed and destroyed my whole existence almost 3 years ago… seems like he didn't learn from last summer's incident, I thought that was supposed to keep him away for at least a couple of a years… but NO… as he always does, he finds a way to wreck my world down to ruins… everyone I have unanimously agrees that the first relationship they had was the best… and as always, in my perverted world everything is upside down… Ryan was the worst mistake I have ever done; he was my school pass time and the let-loose place of all my teenage wickedness… I met him on the 29^th of September 2004 when I was 15 and in the worst time of my life (to my surrounding atmosphere, that is), he works in Virgin Records Austria and I was still this wicked creature that is still feeling his way out in this dark world… he was always somehow able to ignore whatever I say and just smile. Although that made me even more pissed off, he didn't seem to care at all; he was one of those guys that I call nowadays "the drugged people"… those people that act like everything will be OK when it just won't, like everything is painted in either bright gay pink or baby-boy blue… and since I was still a boy at that time, he used to call me his big baby boy, I despised that name since the moment I heard it, and I still do, whenever I remember it I just feel like I've been shifted back in time into that the awful period… although he is the person I hold such huge grudge for, yet I have some memories about him, he was the first one to make me feel the bitterness of love, how it feels to be forsaken, how it feels to be alone in the dark, talking to my self and bleeding for I have no reason to live… and it reminds me of the first Goth song I've ever listened to, again, H.I.M. or His Infernal Majesty was the first Goth band to conquer my little universe… Killing Loneliness… I remember the New Year's Ever of that night, I was in my bed with nothing else to do except sorrowing my own defeat… and the part that made the biggest impact on me in that period (and still to this moment) was " Nailed to the cross, together… As solitude begs us to stay, disappear in the night, forever… And denounce the power of death over our souls and secret words are sent to start a war"… That was the first time I had the chance to even think about the "Power of Death"… before that, I was this regular teenage, and just another one that thinks that death is a plague, a curse, a bad thing to happen… And I spent more than half a year only listening to that song, until I watched the video of it on TV… Seeing the heartagram for the first time, and the "eye liner" Goths, I was totally amazed… I had this false impression that Goths are like Satanists because of the "black clothes" style… Ryan was the first person ever to make me write the cursed words of love, devotion and emotions over a tree that was in my school, which I cut down with my own hands as a part of the "moving on" process…

Ryan and I stayed for quite a while, which was the most memorable thing about him, that him and I did last for a while… I still don't know if I was right by convincing my self that I stopped loving him… because, at some point, I must hate him for leaving like that because I still do have some emotions for him… I don't know… last year, when he came with his new Swedish boy-toy… Tim, a person that would be recognized as a model, and he is really dumb like a blond model… when I first saw them together, I was hanging out with my friend Yara, that’s when she said: isn't that Ryan? I couldn't help but to look, and I was unfortunate enough that he was looking that way also; he started walking towards me… I had to put on a face of the many faces I've got, so as always I went for the sarcastic "Whatever!" face… He came and said: hey Yara, how is it going? Yara said: always a pleasure to see you Ryan, I know that Yara hates him, at least because I brought her headaches over what I used to tell her about him over and over again... I was remembering that period when he said: you changed; you look taller… and happy… I said: Yeah right… All of that because you went to far far away to Brussels... that’s when he said: Tim, this is my ex-boyfriend MJ and his friend Yara… I kind of chuckled hearing that, he said: and what makes you all giggly now? I said: I hope you didn't come up with a ridiculous nickname for this "Tim"… Tim said: and what is that supposed to mean? I said: baby, you won't get it even if you had a brain… Ryan said at that point: enough of this, we're going, later… I said: thank goodness, now go away… the rest of the evening went by slowly, I was thinking about Ryan... Me and him, and what we used to be… Yara was talking to me and I wasn't really paying attention, she said: hey, if you have something to say to him then go say it, don't keep me talking as a dumbass here with my self… I said: no I don't think I have anything to say… let's just go home ok? She said: I have to go see my sister, so I'll catch later… I said: fine, later… when I got to the end of Wakalat Street, I found Ryan in his BMW Z4, he was looking at me in this weird way, Tim wasn't with him, so he said: hop in, I'll drive you home… I said: just run over me, for me that would be easier than talking to you… he said: what's wrong? I just want to talk to you… in my head, voices were screaming NO, NO, NO, DON'T… but I did, I had a déjà vu about how he used to pick me up after school, and remembered all of that, fit felt like I'm the same insecure fragile teenager again… he started driving and said: you know how I feel about you, right? I said: do we really have to do this after you run over me? He said: why are you like this, you were the one that asked me to just go, or you forgot that part? I said: and that was closure, no need to do more questioning… besides, I'm not considering getting committed in anything right now… he said: as if I can find anything I'd care less about than your troubled love life… I said: you shouldn't have asked in the first place then… then there was a long period of silence when he broke it by saying: why? Why did you ask me to go? I said: to be honest I still don't know, but I had to change things, you don't know how weird that period was for me and throwing you away was the first resolution to be made in order to change everything… he said: throwing me away? And you say I don't know? For your information, I did know, hell I was your boyfriend… I said: that doesn't matter now, its history anyway, he said: it does, you destroyed something great with your own hands. I said: and I'm sure I can live with that… then he stopped and looked at me, the same way he used to 3 years ago… and he kissed me… all of me was screaming "NO, RUN AWAY" but I couldn't resist… and I felt something, I felt this old feeling rushing back in, it felt like it has been forever since I felt like this for someone… and then he moved back, and he said: I know you felt something, I felt it in the way you responded to my kiss, just like you always did, you threw away something that was totally amazing, but its never too late to get it back, it all depends on you. I didn't know what to say except: yes, I will take you back… and he held my hand and said: I promise I'll never fail you ever again, if I ever failed you before… I painted a smile upon my face while I was storming up inside, thinking of the consequences of what just had happened… then he said: I'll move back from Brussels within 3 weeks from now, I just need to sort out some things… I said: before you sort out anything, you go and dump Tim… he said: consider that done… he's nothing and he'll never be… I was trying to enjoy whatever was happening but I couldn't… he drove me home and said: I'll call you… I didn't say anything, I just walked away, I got into my bed and I felt like I'm sinking into my own sea of sand, what have I done? All I could've think of was how Ryan left before without saying a word, and I was more determined than ever to get my revenge for that, although I caused that my self… the next day, I was in the same spot as the day before but Yara wasn't with me this time, and Tim showed up, he said: well, well… if it isn't you… I said: don't you have something to buy, say like a brain? He said: do I hear bitterness? I said: no, that’s your own brain trying to process something out of your league… he said: keep up the hostile attitude and I'll be gone faster than you can say "screw you"… I said: and is that a threat or a promise? He walked away and I couldn't see any sign on his face that Ryan dumped him yet… I had the idea of postponing my plan for a while in my mind… and so on 3 days went by, when I was peacefully in Starbucks, when Tim showed up and said: bitch, how dare you? I said: go get some Prozac, its not my fault that you're not good enough… and he simply felt that you can't fill the void that I've left, so you just move on and go suck on something else… he said: this is far from over… I said: and I'm sure I look on the outside as frightened as I am on the inside… that night, I saw Ryan where he said: I have to leave tonight to Belgium to arrange papers and things, I'll be back in 2 days but I will call you meanwhile… I said: sure... bye… when he called the day afterwards saying: I'm almost done with everything, and I'll be over there in Amman as soon as possible. I said: Don't bother to come back… he said: what? I said: it's been fun watching you breakup with your boyfriend and everything, but I can really spare being with you right now… he said: no, you didn't just do that... I said: yes I just did that, I toyed you like a sucker and you fell for it… and the most fun part was watching your toy boy Tim all swallowed and red and furious... just like your departure 2 years ago wrecked everything for me, I just got my revenge back… see you in an another life time and enjoy whatever is left for you.

And that was pretty much all of it, this was one of many times of what I would do just to satisfy my ego or just to get my revenge… but when Ryan called me this spring, I couldn't process anymore… I felt like I'm the same sick twisted teenager that I've always been, that I can't even grow out of being this… immature… and after I hung up on him, I smashed my phone to the floor, I felt as if I have to do something about it, I had to let it out, and the first thing I had in my hand was my phone… and all the way back from university, I was absent minded, didn't say any word to anyone… and when I got home, I didn't know what else to do than to cut my own wrist, I felt as if I can't live anymore, I felt like I'm not even meant to live, as if I'm a failure, and in order to save others from my own self I should get it over with… and that was the reason why I decided to tell Zaid that I can't go on with this, even if I have feelings for him, its just impossible for me to go on…

Sleepwalking Past Hope...

I don't know why I do certain things in a certain way… a way that leads me to blaming my self at the end, knowing that I wasn't supposed to do whatever I have done in the first place… usually, people look at the weekend as the time to relax and run away from everything that is happening around the week… but for me, the weekend is not a day to relax, it is just another day… since I have this tradition of walking around my house everyday around sunset (the most time I hate of the day), it gets worse since people usually go out on Thursday mainly, and I am forced to talk to people that I didn't even think I could talk to… yesterday, I went out for the usual walk and to Starbucks to get some coffee… and as usual, Wakalat street was the usual sea of people at the weekend, I just felt like I don't want to be there, but since I am already there, I'd get it done and I'll get whatever what I want and go away, I turned the sound of my mp3 player to the max and walked as fast as I can just to get there… at some point, I just had to stop… I walked to a side street and stood over there, closed my eyes and just listened to the songs I had playing on my mp3 player… at the moment I closed my eyes, a song that I am obsessed with nowadays started playing… Ghost Love Score by Nightwish, lately, I have been listening a lot to Nightwish music, which is considered as a Symphonic Gothic Metal band… the last part of the song is the part that made me almost cry at that moment, which was the first time I ever paid attention to what Tarja said… she said: Redeem me into childhood, show me the real me without the shell… like the advent of May, I'll be there when you say, time to never hold our love… at that point, I just wanted to open my eyes, look next to me and find someone that I could at least relate to… and although it sounds a bit stupid, I did open my eyes, hoping that I will… but as usual, no one was there, it was just me alone by my self as always… I tried to pick up the remaining pieces of whatever multiple personalities I have and I continued to Starbucks, although Wakalat Street is not that much of a walk, but at that night, it felt like it took me ages to even go by a step over there… And when I walk, I either look at the floor or give a cynical hostile look to whom ever I look at, and I was damned to remove my sight off the floor, I looked at the tables outside Starbucks at the terrace… and I saw Zaid sitting with this guy over there, I acted as if I didn't even care about it, and just walked along inside to the counter just to get my coffee and my cheese cake and get going. While I was waiting for everything to be ready I found Zaid standing next to me, talking to me… I couldn't really figure out what he's saying since I had my headphones on, ironically, the song playing was "Planet Hell" by Nightwish again… he reached out and took my headphones out of my ears and said: hey stranger, it's been a while.. Why don't you answer your phone? I said: you know… I'm a big fan of the "silent mode" in my phone… he said: good to know you still have the same spirit. What brings you over here? I said: and why would I come to Starbucks, Their famous roasted chicken? He said: you can stop being cynical now or else I'll just go away… I said: is that a threat or a promise? Besides you already have your "date" to take care of… he said: that is not my date... But you know what? I'll go… another couple of minutes passed while I was still waiting for my order, it was almost ready when Zaid walked in again and said: I have to talk to you… I didn't say anything, I just ignored my order and walked out, I just wanted to go sit in my dark corner that I have always decorated with sentences written in my own blood, I just wanted to be there and cry for a reason I didn't even know… I felt like a moth getting closer and closer to the flame that it will eventually burn it, but the moth loves this flame more than its fear of death… but I was a chicken-moth and I just walked away from my flame… I almost got to the end of the street when I lost control and just turned around, found Zaid still standing and looking at me in a way I'll never forget… I said: you want to talk, fine, we can talk… he didn't say anything, he just walked, and I followed him, he stopped at an isolated side-street and kept looking at me in the same way… I had to say something, I said: you still want to talk or what? Do you want to talk about the fact that you went out with someone else and you called me right when you were with him? Hell I don't know even if it's someone or you're seeing more than one person… my vision started to get blurry as I started having tears in my eyes, yet he didn't respond, I didn't do anything after that, I just swallowed my own bitterness as I always do and said: have it your way, I have other things to do… before I even moved an inch to go, he kissed me… I didn't want to either respond or reject the kiss, but I pushed him away, he said: what did you that for? You don't know anything, the guy with me is my brother, he's back from outside the country and I'm just spending time with him, and he's the same guy I went out with when I called you in addition to some of his old friends, and our plan was to go to Abdoun but we went to Shmeisani to have something at Chili Ways restaurant, and I kissed you because I want to make you snap out of whatever bubble you're living in or simply so we can share our breaths for one last time… when he said that, my memory jumped back to the moment when we had our first kiss… when he said: I want to share every single breath I will ever breathe with you… that’s when he started talking again, he said: you have no idea what you do to me when you act like this, when I thought we broke up before 4 months I felt like I can't even breathe because I know that I will never get to share this breath with you ever again… and you know what, I don't care, you can be as much hostile as you want, but with me the rules have to change, because you're different, every guy I have ever dated before always called my his love or whatever names they ever thought of, but you were the first one ever to call me your soul mate… I know we are soul mates and I am not going to accept the idea that you and I have to go separate ways from now on, I just can't… even if you changed into this guy that lives in his own head, you're still the same person I knew and loved, and I still love.. You have never made me feel unwanted, even if you acted like you are rejecting me but the look on your face said the exact opposite… I just know that this is something that we could both live for… fuck I don't know anything anymore, I just know that I want you, and that’s all I could care about right now… then he stopped, we kept looking at each other and didn't do anything, at that point, it felt like words are simply unnecessary, and I felt like his words hurt me more than violence, simply because all of what he said is right, all of what he said is what was showing in his black eyes that were starring at me… then I said without thinking: why would you even care? He said: because it's you… you give me a feeling I've never felt like I'd feel, from the little things that we match in like how we always order apple juice together, to the fact that whenever we kiss, you put your hand on my chest as if you're trying to reach out to my heart to see if its still beating for you, and its still beating, all you have to do is just feel it… I didn't say anything, I had the part of Ghost Love Score playing in my head again, and I closed my eyes, knowing that I will find someone that my heart relates to as it always did… and I did open my eyes, he was still there, and he smiled, and he said: and what you're waiting for? I went along with my feeling and I kissed him, and I felt his still warm tears on my face, then he said: I love you… it was one of those moments that you feel like you're in a movie, that its like a written script of a fairy tale and it everything gets resolved in the end, but this has not been the end, this is just the beginning… then he wiped out his tears and said: I should go back to my brother… and when I call you, you'd better answer or the next time you come near to kiss me, I'll bite you… he rushed back to Starbucks and I still had the feeling of going back to my special wicked corner, this time I felt a bit happy for I thought I found someone who is willing to accept all of my issues… I got back on track and got my headphones back on, this time, the shuffler choice in the mp3 was Planet Hell by Nightwish… "A Deep World, A Dark Path, Not Even Crossroads To Choose From, All The Red Blood Carpets Before Me, Behold This Fair Creation Of God"…

He Belongs To The Dark..

While wanting to be my self, I keep falling backwards, knowing that I might never be able to achieve the goal that I want, which is the total freedom from human emotions, which are somehow considered to be a sign of weakness… For me, I keep on trying to become this person that does not have any emotions, that cannot be hurt or touched, but I just can't… Probably that is something in the human nature, but it is for the fact that I, my self, am a very emotional person, which I consider somehow stupid or just wrong… for always my emotions have got me in trouble, and I think that my previous blogs show more than a clear example for that.. Or because whenever I wake up, go to bed or simply do anything, I just think to my self: why the heck am I all alone like this? Actually I am used to this kind of thoughts since I was 15 (when I practically came out) but when I became 16 and I was considered "a seed of evil" and "the sinful" and "a part of the end of the times (referring to the fact that in some religions, the end of times will come when adultery and Sodom-ism will take over the world and this world will become all filled with sins, waiting for its savior whom varies in each religion by its own beliefs)" in that time, I somehow felt that my whole existence is wrong, which led me to self hate… and that was somehow similar to a civil war inside my self, I just kept destroying and building the aspects of my soul, until the final blow from my self came upon my self: total destruction… for at that time, when I was completely destroyed, I was out of what I consider the last relationship that I will ever have, and the results were numerous, and moreover dark-sided, such as preferring death over life, and the dark colors that I usually wear, and also not talking too much.. But the most effective decision of all of those was not believing in love anymore... I decided that love is just self deception, that was the cold hard truth that usually no one wants to neither know nor admit, its just the fact that the humans have always lived upon, still living on and will live to do in every time of their being, we as humans are simply greedy creatures, whatever we have in our hands or pockets, we want more of it or of whatever we can get.. The fact that the more we have the more we want is proofed on each and every human that have lived... but we all end up sipping up our tears, swallow our bitterness and "move on".. and that’s what people do… moving on is simply not the answer for moving on is somehow erasing the mistakes and aches that we have lived through, moving on is simply a process of painting our pains in "happy " colors or some people might even go further and completely erase them.. For my self, I am not similar to any of those two mentioned types of people above... Whenever I feel like I have a problem, I think about it for ever and ever, even if it was of no matter… I just bury it inside, piling up hatred on and on and on... building up little floors that belong to the skyscrapers of revenge, whenever I feel a grudge for someone, I never forget or let it go, some people might say that it is a typical January Capricorn approach, it may be since I have no other explanation for it… But I know other people that are January Capricorns, and they do not act like this, they do not feel like it is a crucial thing to be acting like this in order to get "payback" or "revenge"… some of them act really dumb to the point that they rush having their revenge to the point that they lose the opportunity to ever have it, and for that, that made me even feel more different than everyone else, for some people might call it snobbish, but I can't help but thinking about the idea that I am superior in some way… and I know I am, people usually tell me that I am a smart guy, that I have whatever it takes to be a successful person, and that I act somehow older than my real age, in a more mature way… but they only say so because they do not know the real me… the real me is a bit different from all of those things… I am smart, I admit, but I can't study what I am told to study, I always read books that I am not required to read (such as politics)… I rarely open my university (or school books before I entered university), and I do not see my self as a true successful person, because simply a successful person has to be social and interactive and have "relations" with his surrounding atmosphere… but for me, I usually don't talk to my own family in the first place to talk to people from "the outside"… and for I have my own way of thinking, which some people might consider wicked or demonic, I am usually talking to my self… and I do act in a more mature way than my age, not in everything, in some things, I do some really stupid irrational things, and on the other hand, I always weigh things in my mind before acting or speaking… and that leads us to one more conclusion, whenever I do something stupid and irrational, the motive behind that are my emotions, like the time I kissed A.J., the purpose of that was erasing the emotions I (still) have for Zaid by replacing them with new ones for A.J., and that made my college days sometimes unbearable… after I kissed A.J., I did not talk to him anymore except for "hi" & "bye"… on the day that we were supposed to sign up for classes, I had to sign up for new classes in the Faculty of Science since I changed my major into C.S., but I had to choose which of the subjects that I already took will be calculated in my overall average… so I had to go to my old faculty, the Faculty of Planning & Management, and there I was standing in the line peacefully (talking to my self in my mind, of course), and at that moment, A.J. pulled me away from my own thoughts… he said: hey, what you're doing here? I thought you changed your major and we won't be seeing you here for good… I said: I have to do some paper work… he said: well, do you want to spend time by talking till your turn comes? I didn't reply or say anything; I just looked back to the girl's hair in front of me, trying to keep my self occupied by counting how many hairs she has in her head… he said: why are you doing this? Ignoring me like this? Did I do something wrong or is it because of whatever happened between us? I was soaking into my own mission of hair-counting when he said: you and I need to talk, right now… I said: whatever you want to say, you can say it over here, there's nothing to hide… at this point, the small circle of people surrounding us seemed a bit interested in what is going on, all of them started looking at the both of us… that’s when A.J. said to me: look, instead of making a pleasant day-time series for those people, walk with me… and for some stupid reason in my head I did… we got to "backyard" of the university, which is somehow considered to be the empty place that is for couples… he said: why are you acting like this? Is it because I stopped our kiss the other day? I said: that is something I wouldn't care less about, but you should know that stopping it was a good thing after all, look at me, I'm having the best time of my life right now talking to you… He said: very funny… why don't you just tell me what's bothering you? If it's necessary for you to know, I do like you and I am willing to try something that might be actually good… I said: well, I don't really think that I would be able to even move my hand to show you how much this doesn't matter to me, it simply doesn't matter to me if your highness likes me or not, its just for I don't think I can afford using my heart anymore, I have sealed it and threw the key far faraway… he said: why? It's obviously not good for your social image in university or anywhere else… I said: the last thing I could care about now is what people think about me, and whatever follows that of the so called "social image"… he said: you are simply unbelievable, whenever you seem calm and not willing to do anything to blow the situation, you do it, you blow everything up as if it’s the end of the world… I said: and that’s supposed to be a bad thing? He didn't respond, he didn't even look at me, he simply walked away… I was trying to maintain the "whatever" attitude on my face to seem like I don't care… but what was going in my head was completely different… I kept having a déjà vu of that kiss over and over again… and I felt like I have to tell him that I only kissed him to get over another… and at that point, I started talking to my self again, this time in a loud voice, I didn't feel like hiding my thoughts anymore since practically no one is around… at that point, I felt like crying for a stupid reason that I didn't even know.. Was it because I am actually starting to have feelings for A.J.? Or is it because I still have feelings towards Zaid that I didn't even want to admit I still have? While I was sinking into my own pile of thoughts a couple of people passed by and they kind of heard me speaking to my self… one of the guys said: are you ok? I didn't say anything… I didn't even know what to say if I wanted to say something… so I kind of picked up my things, and walked away, I wasn't really feeling like going back to the registration office in the faculty so I headed to the university buss, I felt like I want to go to my room and just turn the music as loud as I can to stop these voices in my head… when I finally got my seat in the university buss, the same couple of people that saw me a bit earlier were behind me in the buss… and they started saying things about me… I overheard two or three sentences… "Watch out or he's gonna give us the "bad look" again" "don't piss him off or he'll haunt you at night"… and then, I couldn't hear them any longer… I just felt like I have enough problems as it is to deal with those insects… so as usual, I got one of my books out, got my mp3 player, and started reading while listening to self sorrowing Gothic Rock again… the book I was reading is a book I had since I was 7, its almost 1200 pages and I read it for a million times already… and I opened up on this page, that I wrote something on it when I was 16… another "talking to my self" incident that is documented on paper this time… it said "Please awake, and see the truth, you should never listen or believe whatever your heart tells you. Remember who you are, what you stand for. And that you will always be alone"… this time, I picked up my pen and completed the sentence… "For you belong to the dark"…

Fear The Dark...

Now that i have become like this, there's still a part of me that rejects all of this hatred and the desire to be just alone, there's actually a part that still believes something might happen.. that i might actually feel for someone, i don't think its impossible that i will ever feel for someone, but the question is will this someone feel for me? sometimes when i'm alone, i just feel like i do need someone, like i could beat for someone, or at least feel for someone, but when i go outside, and see all of the people i used to call my friends and the guys i liked before, i just feel that being alone in my dark room listening to Gothic rock is better than going out.. so i spend more time in my room now, just listening to music, writing or sometimes crying.. i feel as if i lost control of everything i still seize control upon.. it feels like being dead is better than living this life, now that might sound a bit creepy, but why to look at death from a bad perspective? death is freedom, its the freedom of the human soul from this life that is full of lies, deceit and sins.. the soul is like a bird and the cage is the human body, by death you grant freedom to the bird, and by keeping it in that body, at least for a while, and letting it become vulnerable and an easy target for other humans, it brings doom upon itself, i'm not saying that being alone is better, being that open and optimistic and acting as if everything will be just ok and that everything is fine, now that is wrong, at least be somehow reasonable, i don't deny that i'm somehow extreme by favoring death over life and being this dark and evil, but acting as if everything is ok is just self deception, its not right to lie to your self because lying on your self is the first step to self destruction, and i've been there before, its not fun to be there at all.
No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments, its as simple as that, just by thinking about the whole situation of love and emotions and whatever is linked to that will simply lead, that will cause expectations or hopes, and having either expectations or hopes would rather lead to disappointments, because we almost never ever get whatever we want or want we intend to have.. so it is simply easier to ignore the whole thing.. no need to be social or anything, actually its irritating for me, all of that social stuff, weddings and dinner parties and pubs and people at university, i never like crowds since i never felt like i fit in, and now i understand why, in the past, i used to change my way of thinking to please others, to feel like i fit in, but not anymore, whenever i am asked about my opinion, i simply say what is on my mind, which made people talk less and less to me, and also get kinda scared by my ideas that are all linked to blood, darkness and the pentagram.. but i don't care, i am happy with what i am and i don't have any single problem with being this, even if it means that only 1 or 2 people that i will really talk with, i don't care, this actually makes me feel special, being this.. "evil", whenever i come in a lecture hall or any hall at university, everyone stops talking and everyone stops talking and looks at me.. it feels like everything in the room is pointing at me and i just want to spin the faces away from my but my courage is selling out now and as if i'm being prepared to be crucified infront of all those people.. but i just walk past them to my seat, and on the way i hear people whispering "here's the satanic guy" or "here's the guy that doesn't talk except to himself or his shadow".. but its wrong, being goth is not the same as being satanic, satanism is about worshiping devil like in the church of satin, but Gothicism is a culture that lived and ruled from the Baltic sea to the Adriatic sea, and it still lives until now, but only because Goths wear black and always have beliefs that are linked to dark norsk mythology they are considered satanists? Goths believe in god, and in angels, but they simply prefer life over death, and i have explained before what is the reason of that, but it is the natural fear in the human nature, its the fear of everything different, the fear of change, the fear of creativity that will knock thrones down and make new powers arise.. the same thing goes with the gay issue, people just hate things that are different, but they accept it after a while because they get used to it, but the change it self is a hated process by every single human being.. and that is the reason why people have turned their backs once again to me, because i'm simply different.. i don't care, its simply their problem not knowing what a special personality i am.. they just fear the dark that they came out from in the first place...